I had an experience last night in one of my online men's groups. It's more of a coaching call where guys can come in with whatever is top of mind: share, be vulnerable, celebrate wins, whatever they need. Usually around 20 guys from all over the world.
A previous call had sparked some thoughts in me around anger, and how it shows up in certain areas of my life.
For me, it was around divorce, and the anger, resentment and shame that followed.
I felt like I'd handled those feelings pretty well since my last divorce five years ago. But, truthfully, I haven't.
I won't go into all the details, but during that divorce, something was said about me as a father that cut deeper than almost anything I've ever heard. It landed while I was still working through my own grief around my son Harper, and it was incredibly fucking devastating.
I remember that moment so clearly. I remember exactly what happened in my body. I got hot. There was this swirling feeling in my chest. Disgust. Anger. And a big, internal "FUCK YOU."
It was eventually put to rest. But the anger, resentment and hatred remained. I'd just done a really good job of bottling it all down.
Well, last night, it all came out.
The facilitator did an amazing job of helping me reconnect with those emotions. To actually feel them again. To talk through them. To notice where they were showing up in my body, and rather than pushing them away, just be with them.
He also guided me back to another time in my life where these same feelings, emotions and patterns showed up in a big way. I was 12 years old, going through my parents' divorce and a family crisis that no kid should have to carry.
What I took away from last night was pretty fucking profound.
Some of the patterns I learned when I was 12, the stories I created about my feelings not being important, my voice not mattering, and perhaps not being safe to express what I was really feeling, I've carried with me throughout my life.
And I had no idea how much those experiences were still influencing me and holding power over me.
I think we all have a story that we either have a hard time sharing or have never shared at all. Because it's fucking hard. It's emotional. And sometimes we're afraid that if we start crying, we may never stop.
But I'm becoming incredibly curious about how these moments from our childhood shape the habits, behaviors, relationships and emotional reactions we have as adults.
For me, even after many years of therapy and men's work, I'm still doing the work. And I'm pretty sure it's true for all of us.
There is something we are all carrying. Something that affects how we react. How we communicate. How we love. How we parent. How we deal with anger, sadness, fear or rejection.
You don't have to figure it all out on your own.
There are people who genuinely want to be there for you. To listen and support you. Not judge you. Not fix you. Not tell you what you should have done. Just fucking listen.
So my challenge for you this week is simple: share.
It doesn't have to be something huge. Although, if you're ready for that, fucking go for it. Just start.
Find the people you feel safe with and experiment with sharing a little more of what's actually going on inside you. It takes a lot of courage. But I think that courage is also what brings us back to freedom.
Saturday is a pretty bloody good place to start.
And thanks, as always, for reading.