How do you know you're not part of the problem?
I was thinking about this recently after a couple of conversations with my 7am crew at KORU.
It's pretty easy, when something isn't going well in a relationship, to look across the room and think: "She's the problem." (Two marriages have taught me this.)
- She's distant.
- She's not affectionate.
- She's always stressed.
- She doesn't listen.
- She's changed.
- She's not interested in sex.
- She doesn't appreciate everything I do.
And maybe some of those things are true. But how do you know you're not contributing to it?
Not causing all of it, and not taking responsibility for everything. But contributing to it.
Because we're pretty fucking good at seeing what other people are doing to us while completely missing what we're bringing into the room.
Maybe she's distant because she doesn't feel connected to you. Maybe she's defensive because she doesn't feel heard. Maybe she's stopped initiating because she's tired of being rejected in other parts of her world. Maybe she's stopped talking because every time she brings something up, you try to fix it, defend yourself or explain why she's wrong.
Maybe she's not the only one who has changed. Maybe you have too. And this isn't about beating yourself up or taking all the blame.
It's about radical responsibility. Which to me means taking full responsibility for one's circumstances. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
Asking:
- "What part of this is mine?"
- "How might I be contributing to this dynamic?"
- "What am I not seeing?"
- "What would she say if she felt completely safe to tell me the truth?"
That last one is a fucking uncomfortable question, because sometimes the version of ourselves we believe we are isn't the version other people experience.
We might think we're a great communicator, but she might experience us as someone who doesn't listen. We might think we're being helpful, but she might experience us as controlling. We might think we're giving her space, but she might experience it as disconnection. We might think we're calm, but she might experience us as emotionally checked out.
There's always another perspective worth being curious about.
This is not about being right, proving the point or winning the argument. It's about being willing to look at ourselves and be incredibly curious.
Because if we want better relationships, better marriages, better friendships and better lives, we've got to start being a lot more honest with ourselves.
So here's one for this week:
"What if I'm part of the problem?" Or: "What am I bringing to this?"
If you ask yourself honestly, you might just learn something.