Another interesting question came out of conversations I had this week: how much of our lives are we blaming on someone else?
Blaming our partner, our boss or co-workers, our parents, our kids, circumstances, the economy, our past, or the people who "fucked us over."
This doesn't mean they are always innocent. People hurt us, people betray us, and people will always let us down. Sometimes we've genuinely been dealt a shit hand.
But even if it wasn't your fault, your life is still your responsibility.
Blame is fucking comfortable, and in my opinion, lazy. Blame gives us somewhere to put the pain.
- "I'm unhappy because of her."
- "I'm stressed because of work."
- "I'm out of shape because I don't have time."
- "I'm like this because of how I was raised."
- "I'd be further ahead if I'd had better opportunities."
Maybe there's something there, and those things could be partly true. But if someone else is responsible for your situation, then they're also responsible for fixing it. And now you're stuck waiting.
Waiting for your partner to change, or your boss to recognize you, or your parents to apologize. Basically waiting for someone to finally understand what they did to you.
All while your fucking life is happening.
It wasn't your fault. But it is your responsibility.
If you read last week's post, you know it's something I for sure struggled with.
Someone can hurt you, and you can still be responsible for healing. Someone can fuck up your childhood, and you can still be responsible for the man you become. Someone can betray you, and you can still be responsible for what you bring into your next relationship.
You can lose your job. You can get dealt a shitty hand. You can make some seriously bad decisions. And you can still decide what happens next.
As men, we'll often take responsibility for everything. All of life's things, plus of course everyone else's problems.
But ask us about our emotional shit? Suddenly it's:
- "She makes me angry."
- "My kids stress me out."
- "My boss makes me anxious."
- "That's just how I am."
They might influence you or they might piss you off, but they don't own your response. You do.
Because if they own your response, you're fucked until they change. If you own it, you have something you can actually do about it.
So where are you giving your power away?
Think about something in your life you're pissed off about right now, or something you keep complaining about. First ask: what part of this is actually outside my control? Then ask: what part is mine?
Your behavior. Your choices. Your boundaries. Your communication. Your habits.
Find that piece. And fucking own it.
Not because you should ignore what happened to you, or because it's your fault, but because you don't want to spend the next five, ten or twenty years waiting for someone else to fix a life that belongs to you.
You didn't choose everything that happened to you, but you do get to choose what happens next.