By now you probably know that I'm part of a couple of men's groups. Two online ones, as well as our Saturday morning Men's Workout Club here in Denver. I can't get enough.
Truly, I think it's really important. It helps keep me accountable, honest with myself, and it has helped build my own muscle of being vulnerable.
One of the most common topics in all of these groups is shame. When we feel it, why we feel it, and how we actually often use it to get the things we want.
We probably don't walk around thinking, "Today I'm going to use shame to manipulate someone." But often we subconsciously do it. It can sound like:
- "After everything I've done for you..."
- "I can't believe you would do that."
- "You should know better."
- "If you really cared about me you would..."
- "I'm disappointed in you."
Or it can look like:
- The silent treatment
- Withdrawing affection or attention
- Comparing someone to others
- Making them feel guilty for having a need
We do it because we know it fucking works. I know a lot of you will read this and think, that's not me, I never do this.
Bullshit.
We all do it in some way. Generally not on purpose, and we're not trying to hurt or manipulate that person, but we do it because we've been taught and learned over many years that it's effective. People change their behavior when they're afraid of losing connection, approval or love.
But what about us? When do we feel shame as men?
When we're not successful enough. Not making enough money. Not having enough sex. Not fit enough. Not a good enough father or partner. When we fail. Get rejected. Ask for help. Show emotion. Admit we're scared or struggling.
And generally, when we feel shame, we hide it. Through work, booze, disconnection, anger, gaining control or chasing validation. Basically we become a performer, or as I call it, a bullshit artist.
I'm no expert, but I think there's a connection between the shame we carry and the shame we put onto others.
So here's the question for this week: what do you do when someone doesn't behave the way you want them to?
Do you get curious and communicate? Or do you reach for guilt, criticism, anger or withdrawal to get them back in line?
And when you feel shame? Do you talk about it? Or do you hide it and go and prove you're enough?
I'm becoming increasingly curious about this stuff. Because I don't want my kids behaving because they're scared of disappointing me. I don't want my partner doing things because she's worried about my reaction. And I don't want to spend my life performing to prove that I'm enough either.
I'd much rather build relationships where people feel safe enough to be honest, even when what they have to say isn't what I want to hear.
That's part of the work, fellas. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.