This was a question I got asked at the Alliance Retreat a couple of weeks ago. These types of questions are always tough for me, because they force me to be brutally honest with myself. No bullshit, just my own harsh truth. My initial answer was around fatherhood: being more present, spending less time on my phone when I'm at home, giving more of me and my energy.
All really great things to do, but also very surface level. Just something I should be doing, rather than actually digging into some of my painful roots and looking more towards making changes in areas that I naturally try to avoid.
More things around love, financial success (or lack of it), and my relationship with grief and pain.
Once I started digging more into these things, and becoming more honest with myself, more and more things started to appear. It's crazy for me to think about all these things in my life that I just push to the side, try to avoid, and think that I'm doing just fine.
The lies we tell ourselves are some of the biggest lies we hold.
So, in honor of that question, and my desire to create change in some of these areas, I'm going to let you all know the things I want to change about myself. The things that I am no longer willing to be, as the man I desire to be.
- I will no longer see myself as someone who does not deserve financial success. I've worked my ass off for the past 16 years in my business. I've had success in the fact that I'm still going 16 years on, in an incredibly challenging industry. But I've always had the idea that to be successful you have to sacrifice family, relationships, hobbies and my own needs, work your ass off, and only then will it maybe work out for you. I'm going to delegate more, create an amazing staff and team, and ask for help when needed. And when that financial success comes, and I know it will, I'm going to enjoy the shit out of it.
- I am no longer going to be the man who hides his grief. I have gotten into this terrible habit of telling my story about Harper, but not having any emotion around it. It just became another story. I was afraid that if I showed any emotion, or if I started crying, I would never stop. Fuck that! I'm still going to share, with emotion: with my kids, with my ex-wife, with my friends, with anyone who shows any interest. I'm going to use that emotion to help and serve others.
- I am no longer going to tell myself that I'm not worthy of love. After two divorces, my internal story became that love just isn't for me, that I am not worthy of it. Well, I fucking am worthy of it, and I have a lot to give. I want to find a partner I can share an amazing life with, who challenges the shit out of me but still allows me to feel safe. Someone I can be completely myself with. And I want to be the kind of man who can receive that love too.
So as I write this, the question almost turns to: Who am I willing to become?
And I know I don't have all the answers yet. But I'm pretty comfortable admitting that.
I'm going to stay curious as usual, and I'm going to keep digging and feeling the uncomfortable shit. And I'm going to keep choosing the man I actually want to be, rather than the man I think everyone else needs me to be.