In one of my men's groups recently the topic shifted to: How much of our suffering comes from our unwillingness to be honest with ourselves?
So not necessarily about what's happening around us, but what's actually happening inside us. Such as the things we don't want to admit, or the feelings we don't want to feel, or the stories we've created about ourselves that we spend years trying to prove right.
Some of those examples from my own life are things like: I'm happy in my relationship when I'm not. I've told myself I'm doing fine when I'm actually really struggling. Or I often tell myself that I'm over something when I'm still carrying resentment, anger or pain.
Basically, we tell ourselves we don't care when, deep down, we care a fucking lot.
And we do this because the truth is fucking hard to admit. We are afraid that if we admit these truths to ourselves, then we are actually acknowledging our weaknesses or failures. That just maybe the life we have built isn't what we actually thought it would be, or what we dreamed of. It would mean we are acknowledging our loneliness, lack of success, the story of our pain.
So instead, we distract ourselves. We work more. We train harder. We drink. We scroll. We watch porn. We keep ourselves so bloody busy that we don't have to sit still long enough to hear what's actually going on inside us. And that can work sometimes, but like I always say, it will end up coming out sideways, generally in a way we are not proud of.
I've certainly been guilty of this. There have been many times in my life when I've convinced myself I was doing just fine, only to realize much later that I was avoiding some pretty important truths about myself. But what I'm learning is:
We can't change what we're unwilling to acknowledge.
The moment we're willing to be honest with ourselves, we create an opportunity to do something different. Not necessarily to fix everything straight away, but to stop pretending.
So, a few questions for you this week, fellas:
- Where in your life are you telling yourself a story that you know isn't entirely true?
- What are you pretending not to care about?
- What feeling are you avoiding because you're worried about what might happen if you actually let yourself feel it?
- And what is that thing that you're avoiding costing you?
You don't need to have all the answers, or even need to share any of this with anyone straight away. But you do need to be willing to have an honest conversation with yourself. Writing these prompts down and taking your time to write the answers down will certainly help. Don't just write what sounds good. Sit with these questions, just 5 minutes for each one, and be curious about what comes up.
The goal is to acknowledge and recognize these things, start to understand them, and decide whether they're still serving the man you want to become.
And if you're ready to start having those conversations, you don't have to do it alone. I'd love to chat.