So, I had a bit of an experience last weekend at a men's retreat here in town. Three days, 45 guys, with a group called The Alliance, led by therapist Connor Beaton, who also hosts the ManTalks podcast (which I highly recommend!), and his team.
I went into the weekend pretty exhausted after a big couple of weeks of work and travel, and wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to get out of it. I felt called to it when I first signed up, though, and was excited for the experience.
The first day and a half, I was having a tough time diving in, exploring emotions and stories and, to be honest, I felt pretty numb to the whole thing.
Saturday afternoon, however, Connor did a piece of work with one of the men, an ex-Navy SEAL, that changed the course of my weekend. It was powerful, emotional and bloody tough.
Experiencing that started to loosen some things up inside of me, and from that point on, emotions started to bubble up.
A great dinner out Saturday evening with some of the other men got me into some more great conversations, and they gave me the confidence to possibly explore more work the following day.
Well, I got that opportunity. We were in a large group circle with all 45 men. Connor was leading and asking some questions, and I finally spoke up for the first time all weekend.
As soon as I started to talk, the emotion started to come out of me. He asked some more questions, then asked if it was okay if he and I did some work together in front of the group.
I agreed, and we dug in. What followed was the most powerful 60 minutes of my life.
I've never cried so hard before.
The emotion was around the passing of my son Harper 16 years ago, and I finally got the chance to let a lot of that pain, shame, guilt and suffering go.
To have Connor help guide me, surrounded by 44 other men, with full support and without judgement, was incredible. I will remember that moment forever.
He helped guide me through that day, my life after, the stories I created, and the things I was trying to hide.
It was bloody hard, emotional, and it makes me want to do even more.
I guess why I'm writing this today is that, in my circles, I'm the one that's "done the work." I've done a lot of therapy. I'm part of men's groups. I'm always learning about myself and striving for more, to be better.
Yet here I was, unemotional for the first day and a half, unable to tap into the things that I thought I wanted to change.
Then I got smacked in the face by it.
It had been building up over time, and I didn't even realize that 16 years of pain was still stuck in there.
We all have our stories. Our childhoods, our relationships, past and present. The struggles in our world.
And I'm so fucking curious about the men who just continually keep that shit inside:
- Trying to be brave.
- Trying to show up for everyone else.
- Trying to be the provider.
- Trying to hold everything together while they're struggling inside.
I'm the guy who loves being vulnerable, open and honest about how I am, and yet I still didn't realize what I had been carrying with me for so long.
So, reach out if you need to chat. To me, or someone else you trust.
Don't wait until it's too late and it comes out or shows up in a way that you're not proud of.
I'm always available.