Most of us spend a lot of energy asking things of other people. Why won't she understand? Why doesn't my business partner pull his weight? Why can't my kids just listen?
I've asked those questions plenty. It seems to be a common theme sometimes. But it rarely got me anywhere; nothing would ever change. The other person didn't change, and I would stay frustrated, waiting for someone else to fix how I felt.
One of the things that has changed my life is turning the question around:
Why do I think, act and feel the way I do?
Why did that comment get under my skin? Why do I go quiet when I should speak up? Why do I reach for my phone, work or sex when things get uncomfortable?
It's a much tougher question because the only person I can point at is myself. It's also the only one I can actually do something about.
The first answer that usually comes up is the easy one, such as: "I was tired." "He/she was wrong." "That's just how I am."
Stay with it a bit longer and keep asking why. Anyone that knows me well has heard me ask them "why" all the bloody time. Usually because underneath the initial answer or reaction there's something more honest and true. Most likely a fear of not being good enough, an old habit of keeping the peace, a story you created as a kid about what a man is supposed to do with hard feelings.
Once you can name it or describe it, you get a choice you didn't have before. The comment still hits, or the urge to go quiet or grab the phone still shows up, but there's a gap between what you feel and what you do, and a chance to finally take ownership of your reaction. In that gap, you get to decide what kind of man you want to be.
The more I've done this, the less I've needed to ask things of other people, and the more freedom I've felt within myself. When I own my side of things, my world tends to shift on its own.
This week's challenge:
- Pick one moment where you reacted in a way you didn't like. Before you explain it away, ask, "Why did I show up like that?" Write down the honest answer.
- Name one man in your life who has a quality you want more of. Spend time with him this week. Take him out for a coffee or jump on a call, and tell him what you see that you admire and aspire to be.
I'd love to hear the answer to challenge number one, and also learn about the person whose quality you admire. Feel free to reach out and let me know.